deadangone (deadangone) wrote in seizuredisorder,

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dunno why

It's been just over 2 years since I was diagnosed with Epilepsy.  In that time I've only had about a dozen Grand Mal seizures.  (some days I wonder if maybe I have petite ones too but not sure of what would actually be categorized as one)  With no warning signs and not knowing what triggers the seizures it's hard to feel comfortable going any where or doing anything outside of the house.  Some days it makes it hard to go to work, especially since I do construction.  I'm scared one day I'll have a seizure at work and that will end my career once and for all.  (As it is, I probably should have stayed home yesterday since I woke up feeling kind of off, but convinced myself that nothing would happen.  Not 1/2 an hour into work I slipped and fell hard on my back.  What I didn't & couldn't tell any one is that I'm pretty sure I blanked out for a split second before I fell.)
Part of some of what I have been going through that I've tried to explain to my Neurologist & family, I think makes me sound a bit crazy.  I already have a hard enough time getting words out in the right order or at all some times.  Trying to describe something that is more of a feeling or sensation that really has no good description other than to experience it?  How do you do it.  How do you tell some one that there are moments where you feel out of sync with the world around you.  Like you've suddenly taken a step back and everything dims and becomes hollow yet louder and you're body just seems to buzz for a few seconds and then everything is normal again.  Or that suddenly your hearing in one ear drops away and this noise like a thousand radios playing all at once slams at you and your body suddenly buzzes & you feel it slip away as you lose control of your body but don't go unconscious?

I still don't really understand any of this stuff that's going on.  I don't have anyone to really talk to that understands or can relate, especially not at my age.  Nor have I really come to terms with this either actually.  I honestly am not ready to accept that this is going to be my life from now on.  I feel like it has robbed me of a lot of things I like to do.  The meds I'm on make some difference I guess.
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